please don't pet our children... they aren't puppies.

I get it - those big brown eyes look up at you. Something pulls on your heart strings. Maybe it's the smile - or the dimple - or your belief that this child who was once an orphan is in desperate need of your affection. I understand it's well intentioned, and as such, I wanted to let you know what many adoptive parents are thinking when you approach our kids and begin treating them like the animals on an SPCA commercial featuring Sarah McClachlan: please don't.

For the record, I'm not okay with strangers touching any of my children. They are people, entitled to their personal space, and not subject to the desires of adults. We do not force our children to hug or even high five someone if they are not comfortable. Actually, I think not touching other people's kids is a good way of avoiding parental wrath and potential jail time, but I digress.

That said, I have noticed a trend. We can be any number of places - church, the grocery store, or park - and people are drawn to our adopted boys. I understand the curiosity about adoption, and the fact that our transracial family looks different than many families do. But, it is alarming the number of people, both acquaintances and strangers, who have felt free to strike up conversation with, or even reach out to pet our boys on the head. And that, specifically, is what I will be addressing today. 

​things to remember when you're tempted to reach out and touch our sons, or any obviously adopted child:

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1. Our children are people. Their pasts are part of them, but do not get to define them. They are not damaged goods. They are each unique, with differing needs, and possessing individual strengths and weaknesses.
2. Our children are not orphans. They are our children. They are fiercely loved by parents who are fighting daily for them.
3. Our children have personal boundaries. And whether they are put in place by our children, or by us, it is for their protection and safety. Not all children from hard places understand safe touch, and what appropriate personal boundaries look like. Not all children from hard places are comfortable being touched at all - let alone by a stranger. Their overly affectionate or frightened response has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.
4. Our children are smart. They know when someone is targeting them with pity. They also pick up on why. And that can be damaging. They do not need pity because of their skin color or for being part of a loving family. Please don't confuse them and further the conflict of feeling out of place.
5. ALL of our children are special. They are siblings. Singling out those who have been adopted with special treatment, using baby voices, and constant looks of concern create a separation between our biological and adopted children. An unnatural separation we are tirelessly trying to eliminate.
6. True compassion, true religion is this: “To care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.” – James 1:27. We are conditioned to believe that acts of compassion have to be blatant – obvious – immediate expressions of emotion. Sometimes, compassion is practicing self-restraint. It is doing what is best for an individual, despite our own draws and desires. It is opening your heart and mind to understand information regarding the individual, instead of making assumptions about needs.  
7. There are real orphans who need your help! There are children in our country - in our communities - who are living without the stability, love, and security of a family. They don't need to be looked at with pity, or pet on the head, but they need families, advocates, and those willing to get in the trenches and fight for them!

If you are looking for ways to be a blessing to children who have been adopted, and their families, you can find some ideas here. If you would like to help care for orphans and widows, this list was created for the holidays, but could hold true year round! 

As adoptive parents, we are striving to do what is best for our children. To teach them to use their pasts for God's glory and their good. To show them love, and learn with them about forgiveness and healing. Of course our hearts ache with them. But that's our place as their parents. And when they grieve, we grieve with them - but we don't pity them. They are not pitiful and helpless. They are sons of the Most High God, and our precious children. They are overcomers, who are embracing not only what has happened to them, but who they are.

Disclaimer: If you have reached out to touch someone's kid, your heart overflowing with compassion, I'm not pointing fingers and sentencing you to guilt! God's Word is clear, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! I love that so many people take notice - my prayer is simply that you take notice and instead of feeling pity, you feel compassion - and are moved to help those who are still living life as an orphan - waiting for their opportunity to become a son or daughter.

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