<![CDATA[Living Out 127 - Blog]]>Sat, 26 Mar 2022 10:03:48 -0400Weebly<![CDATA[spirit care: the most important form of self-care for mommas.]]>Tue, 18 Jun 2019 21:30:00 GMThttp://www.livingout127.com/blog/spirit-care-the-most-important-form-of-self-care-for-mommas
Picture
Self-care. It's all the rage these days and the topic of numerous blog posts, podcasts, and books. For tired mommas, the message rings loud and clear: fill your cup, because you can't pour from empty. It's meant to be encouraging. Life-giving. Permissive to attending to your own needs. But, could it be, that this attempt at condoning taking care of oneself has become a source of idolatry - or added pressure - even among believers? 
As a momma of many, who homeschools while working from home, I agree with the necessity of caring for oneself. Making sure our well isn't dry is critical.

It's the well of our spirit that matters most...
not the well of our self satisfaction.

{CLICK TO TWEET!}
​Jesus modeled healthy spirit care. Taking time apart from His disciples, and the needs of the people, to connect with God. He had moments set aside to press in to prayer. And He took time to invest in meaningful relationship with His close friends. 
"Now in the morning, having risen a long while before daylight, He went out and departed to a solitary place; and there He prayed."
Mark 1:35 NKJV
Therefore Jesus no longer moved about publicly among the people of Judea. Instead He withdrew to a region near the wilderness, to a village called Ephraim, where He stayed with His disciples.
John 11:54 NIV
Taking time to intentionally connect with the Father should be a believer's first step in filling their well. Jesus was clear: He is the source of living water! (John 4:10)

For many, self-care looks like mani/pedis, coffee shop afternoons, girls weekends away, or sitting by the water. Hear this: there is NOTHING wrong with any of those things!

But the reality is, those things are not the fulfillment of any momma's spirit. Only Jesus can fill us up. And the most hope-filled aspect of this is: 
​We can connect with Jesus for spirit-care no matter what our circumstances permit our self-care to look like.
{CLICK TO TWEET!}
Do listen to the advice to care for yourself. But don't buy the lie that self-care could ever take the place of spiritual care. Allow Him to fill up your well with His love so you can love well. ♡
In a culture that emphasizes self-care, we have to remember that it is the well of our spirit that matters most! Spirit care is the most important form of self care for mommas.
]]><![CDATA[the birth of our Savior: an adoption story.]]>Mon, 17 Dec 2018 15:24:12 GMThttp://www.livingout127.com/blog/the-birth-of-our-savior-an-adoption-story
Picture
This time of year, we celebrate the birth of our Savior. Sovereign God, come as a newborn babe - the King of kings, born in a stable. In this beautiful, backwards-from-society story, we see the love of the Father, in the giving of His Son. And we see the love of a father, in the accepting of his son. It held miraculous and messy in tandem.​
Jesus, born to Mary, a virgin, had no biological connection to Joseph. But Joseph, whose integrity kept him from disgracing Mary, even before he knew the miraculous events surrounding her pregnancy, raised Jesus as his son. Jesus, while fully God, required parents that were fully human. This Biblical account of adoption - of making a child part of a family forever - is made even more powerful by the intimate way we see Jesus’ connection to the fatherless.
The rest of this post is continued on Mid-Atlantic Orphan Care Coalition's blog!
Head over to their site to continue reading! 
take me to your guest post!
The story of the birth of our #Savior is also a story of #adoption. Read about the connection #Jesus has to the #orphan, and the way it's beautifully told in our #Christmas story!
]]><![CDATA[when saying yes to God means saying no to good.]]>Fri, 30 Nov 2018 20:55:23 GMThttp://www.livingout127.com/blog/when-saying-yes-to-god-means-saying-no-to-good
Picture
Good opportunities abound. In this world of broken, there is no shortage of ways to serve and love well. But if we aren't careful, we can busy ourselves with so much good that we miss out on God.
I'm not the first to write on it. I claim no corner on the market. But I can attest from personal experience to the damage of living in overwhelm. There are seasons where our schedules and emotions are taxed beyond our control. But there are also times when our inability to say, "no" creates a burden God never intended us to carry.

saying "yes" to God.

 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Matthew 22:36-40
Most of us are familiar with the two greatest commandments. Love God. Love others. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 clearly outlines what love is, and Romans 12:9-21 gives solid instruction on putting that love in to action. 

Almost all good things could easily be categorized under these commands - so how do we know when we are saying "yes" to God? When it lines up with the rest of His word. You see, God never intended us to take bits and pieces of scripture to be used to back individual arguments. His very character is woven in to His living, active word.

Often, our "yes" to God comes with a price - a sacrifice of comfort, ease, or convenience. But unless in direct opposition to the written word of God, we should not say "yes" when it compromises the relationship between spouses, causes irreparable damage to a family unit, or causes us to neglect another aspect of God's word.

saying no to good.

About a year ago we made the difficult decision to close our home for foster care. We let our license run out, but knew we had a year to reopen without starting all over. That date came and went without us updating our home study. 

We said "no" to the very thing I advocate for on this blog. It was humbling. Felt hypocritical. And was quite possibly one of the hardest things we've ever had to say "no" to.

Several months ago, that "no" to a good thing enabled me to say "yes" to a God thing. I was offered the position of Executive Director with Mid-Atlantic Orphan Care Coalition. The vision of the organization is to see every Bible-believing church intentionally engaged in caring for children in need of families. Part of that is helping churches create communities that foster love  - and provide support to adoptive and foster families. The very thing I advocate for on this blog became my work-from-home job, that enables me to help other individuals, families, and churches to say "yes" to whatever part God is asking them to play in caring for kids in need of families. 

We could have pressed on and said "yes" because it was a good thing - opening our heart and home to another child. But it would have been one child, and our experiences with adoption have shown us that directly following welcoming a little one home, I need to turn my full attention to our family. God has literally multiplied the impact by allowing me to serve in this position that encourages others to open their hearts and homes. 

That humbling, hard, seemingly hypocritical "no" opened the door for answered prayer and a realized dream. 

In other seasons, I have had to say "no" to ministry outside our home. In the midst of behavioral crisis, God needed my "yes" to be dedicated attention to our family - serving and loving them well.

reflection.

What good things have you said "yes" to out of obligation or compulsion? Are there things God is asking you to say "no" to so that you are free to say "yes" to what He has in store for you? Do you need to turn your full attention to your family for a season? Take a moment to pray. Ask God if there's anything He wants you to do - or stop doing. Then take the time to listen for His leading, and follow! 
Sometimes we have to say no to good things so that we can say yes to God! #christianliving #priorities
]]><![CDATA[adoption & foster care are spiritual warfare.]]>Mon, 01 Oct 2018 04:00:00 GMThttp://www.livingout127.com/blog/adoption-foster-care-are-spiritual-warfare
Picture
"Battle weary." "Parenting in the trenches." "Remember, your fight isn't you against your child, but you and your child against their pain." They're common phrases for foster and adoptive parents, meant to encourage and offer solidarity. But there's something more: adoption and foster care are spiritual warfare.
The good news is, we know Who has won the victory! We know that Jesus has overcome death, the grave, and hell itself. The Word of God tells us that, as children of God, we share in that victory. But Jesus also told His closest friends that this world would hold trouble.
​“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 NIV
For those parenting through trauma, this is not a revelation. You come face to face with the trouble of your child's past regularly. But have you ever considered that the primary reason it feels like such a battle some days is because it is? Not against your child. Not even  against your child's past or their struggles. But an all out spiritual warfare.

our battle.

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Ephesians 6:10-13 NKJV

​our response.

So what is our response to Ephesians 6:10-13? I would challenge us not to merely observe this as holy scripture, while disregarding it's pertinence to our parenting. John 10:10 makes it clear: Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Jesus came to give life in abundance. 

Because of Jesus' work on the cross, His resurrection, ascension, and position at the right hand of the Father making intercession for us, we don't fight FOR victory, but from it. Simultaneously, the enemy of our souls prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking who he can devour (1 Peter 5:8). He doesn't get the final say - but he will do whatever he can to convince us otherwise. 

So, we battle. Not against flesh and blood, but against our very real enemy who cannot destroy us, but seeks to distract us. He cannot steal us from the hand of God, but he'll stop at nothing to convince us we've slipped from it. We don't just engage on our own behalf - but for our children. Before we engage, we must be armed properly - knowing our adversary, his tactics, and the purpose of our fight.

our armor.

Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace;  above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.  And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints.
Ephesians 6:14-18
In this passage, we find six elements to our armor. Many of us learned about the armor of God in Sunday school as children. Our kids even have an armor of God dress up set! But, let's consider the following questions in regard to our parenting.
  • Truth
    Are our motives pure and honest? Do our words and actions line up? Are we consistent with our children?
  • Righteousness
    Do we truly believe we are the righteousness of God because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ? Do our lives reflect obedience to Jesus as our Lord?
  • Preparation of the Gospel of peace
    Are we seeking God daily in preparation to share His good news of peace with our children?
  • Faith
    Is our faith placed anywhere other than in God Himself?
  • Salvation
    Have we accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior? Do our lives convey the truth that salvation is a free gift offered by our loving Redeemer who is the only way to the Father?
  • Word of God
    Are we spending time in His Word? Reading, memorizing, and speaking it over our children and situations?

our children.

​If the concept of spiritual warfare seems foreign or odd to you, consider this: Adoption and foster care are at the very heart of God. And as such, we can be sure they are in direct opposition to the enemy's plan. Our children, who have experienced tremendous grief and loss, are just like us - in need of the healing, redemptive work of Jesus and the gift of grace that flows out of His matchless love. We have the tremendous responsibility and honor of loving our children, advocating for them, and fighting on their behalf until - and even when - they can fight on their own. 

Loving our children well involves not only engaging in spiritual warfare on their behalf, but teaching them how to do the same. We cannot save or redeem the souls of our children - only Jesus can do that. But we can lead by example, remain focused on the Word of God, and engage in spiritual warfare with the knowledge of Whose we are, who we are fighting, and the weapons with which God has equipped us!
Our battle isn't against flesh and blood, but as followers of #Jesus we are engaged in a war. And as #fostercare or #adoptive parents, we have to recognize that this is #spiritualwarfare.
]]><![CDATA[to the parents of kids from hard places: don't harden your heart.]]>Mon, 10 Sep 2018 23:51:00 GMThttp://www.livingout127.com/blog/to-the-parents-of-kids-from-hard-places-dont-harden-your-heart
Picture
When faced with adversity, many of us resort to protecting ourselves. It's human instinct - to avoid pain and discomfort. Our brain is wired to send signals to the rest of our body when we experience something unpleasant - it's a signal that tell us to avoid repeating whatever caused the pain - cause and effect. 

So, what do we do when the source of pain and discomfort is the trauma and behaviors of our child?
Many of our children live day in and day out with trauma. Even those who have learned coping mechanisms and been able to process in healthy ways can be triggered by certain circumstances.

​As a mom who has two children that are still dealing with the effects of trauma they've experienced, I know that living with a child who is living with trauma day in and day out is challenging. But lest we be tempted to embrace a victim mentality, we must remember that the overflow of behaviors that is causing us pain, is coming from a place of deep grief and hurt.

when their pain becomes our pain.​

There have been numerous articles recently regarding secondary PTSD and primary PTSD in the families of children from hard places. It is no joke. Secondary PTSD is caused by hearing the trauma caused to a loved one. PTSD is caused by experiencing the trauma yourself. For adoptive families, especially those with children who struggle with attachment and extreme medical/mental/behavioral issues, it is not uncommon to experience trauma through the behaviors and situations occurring in your home. 

I am in no way disregarding this very real suffering. I have experienced it, myself, and it was life-altering. But, for the sake of this post, I have to expose a truth that becomes hard to see in the midst of our own pain:
When our child's pain becomes our pain, it doesn't lessen their pain.

In other words, just because an adoptive family is experiencing pain and discomfort as a result of their child's trauma, does not mean that the child's pain is somehow diminished or transferred. They are still in tremendous pain. In a past post, I addressed how hurting people hurt people - and it's true. But the infliction of pain on someone else is a futile attempt to feel better. It's an unsuccessful, self-medicating behavior that causes more damage than healing to the child's heart. 

In order for our hearts to remain tender towards our children, we have to refuse to be blinded to their pain by our own. As followers of Jesus, we are encouraged to imitate His behavior towards other. The gospels are clear: time after time Jesus was moved with compassion.

moved with compassion.

Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. When He saw the crowds, He had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.
Matthew 9:35-37
Jesus recognized there was much work to do. He was surrounded by great crowds. But He saw individuals within those crowds - He observed they were harassed and helpless - and then was moved with compassion for them.
On Herod’s birthday the daughter of Herodias danced for the guests and pleased Herod so much that he promised with an oath to give her whatever she asked. Prompted by her mother, she said, “Give me here on a platter the head of John the Baptist.” The king was distressed, but because of his oaths and his dinner guests, he ordered that her request be granted and had John beheaded in the prison. His head was brought in on a platter and given to the girl, who carried it to her mother. John’s disciples came and took his body and buried it. Then they went and told Jesus.When Jesus heard what had happened, He withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed Him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, He had compassion on them and healed their sick.
Matthew 14:13-15
It is impossible to know how powerful Jesus' compassion is without the context of knowing that in this passage He purposefully withdrew because He needed to seek the Father after a great loss. His cousin, the prophet who prepared the way for His arrival, His co-minister - had not only died, but had been horrifically murdered. Jesus, while fully God, was also fully man - and the weight of this loss was great. Yet, in the midst of His deep grief - even as He was intentionally seeking the Father - compassion welled in His heart for the people. He allowed their pain to become more important than His own. He was motivated by meeting their needs and prioritizing their pain.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
2 Corinthians 1:3&4
I am going to be super transparent here: I just found this verse while researching for this post. I've breezed by it before, while reading through the new testament - and I've referenced "the God of all comfort" many times. But I think this is the first time I have read these verses and let it really sink in. Friend, as we are allowing Him to minister comfort to our pain, we are to in turn comfort our children in their pain - even when our natural instinct is to run from further insult and injury. We become motivated by meeting their needs and we prioritize their pain - because that's what He's done, and is still doing, for us. 
In the midst of #pain we cannot harden our hearts. Learning from the life of #Jesus about #compassion. #adoption #fostercare
How do you keep your heart tender, when it's experienced great pain? Can I pray for you regarding this? Do you have tips or a testimony about how allowing compassion to move you has changed the dynamics of your relationship? 

If you have enjoyed this post, you may enjoy the others in this series:
If this has been helpful, you may want to check out the other posts from our Reminders for Foster & Adoptive Parents Series: 
To the Parents of Kids from Hard Places: You Are Not Alone
To the Parents of Kids with Attachment Issues: It's Not Your Fault
To the Parents of Kids from Trauma: Give Yourself Grace

]]><![CDATA[to the parents of kids from trauma: give yourself grace.]]>Thu, 06 Sep 2018 18:30:00 GMThttp://www.livingout127.com/blog/to-the-parents-of-kids-from-trauma-give-yourself-grace
Picture
​"Mom," I asked through tears, "how can I possibly do everything the experts suggest??"

​For the past three months, things have been tough with one of our kiddos. Past trauma and current realities have danced in ways that leave us all pretty tired at the end of the day. I had a stack of adoption and trauma related books, a highlighter, and pen sitting out - determined to figure out what we needed to change to make things better.
I began to explain all the expert advice I was trying to adhere to: make eye contact while talking to your child... don't force eye contact... get to the root of behavior with your child... deal with behavior immediately... let them feel in control by presenting choices... don't overwhelm them with too many choices... let your child feel in control... be in control because children need to know adults are in control... use time in instead of timeout... give your child space to process their emotions... anticipate great things from your child and let them know you believe in them... don't have low expectations, it can be damaging... don't have high expectations, it can be damaging... make sure your child knows they fit in... make sure you embrace your child's individuality... don't ignore behaviors signaling a deeper need... ignore lying that's done out of an inherent need to self-protect... be present and connected all the time... take self care breaks... don't let other people meet you child's needs... don't be the only one to meet your child's needs.

No wonder I was exhausted.

​In the age of the internet, we live in an overwhelm of information. While it's helpful to have specialists who can assist us in understanding things like the effects of trauma on the brain, the world wide web is teeming with self-proclaimed experts who are ready to lay down the rights and wrongs of parenting --- perhaps, especially in the realms of foster care and adoption.

when the trauma gets to us.

As parents, we have a great responsibility: show our kids Jesus. 

As parents, sometimes we overwhelm ourselves when we take on the responsibility of trying to BE Jesus to our kids.

​Yes, we want to be His hands, feet, and heart. We want to speak His words, love with His abandon, give with His generosity, and interact with His compassion. And we should purpose in our hearts, words, and actions to do so. The Bible is clear that we, as followers of Jesus, are to love one another - and this obviously includes our children! 

However, we are not Jesus. We will never be Jesus. Saving, redeeming, perfecting, healing - it belongs to Him. We have been given authority in the Name of Jesus. We have been made joint heirs with Jesus.  We, as parents, are wholly, fiercely, completely dependent on Jesus - which is why our goal should be to teach our children to do the same.

When the trauma of our child's past explodes into the present with a vengeance that rocks our worlds - Jesus is still on the throne. When we  respond by yelling, instead of being the embodiment of connected parenting - Jesus is still on the throne. When we question how we can wade through this mess another day - Jesus is still on the throne. When we fall short, and our heart, words, and actions don't align with Jesus - Jesus is still on the throne. 

​Our children are not beyond the reach of His grace, and neither are we.

grace in God's Word.

 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you. Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 14:26&27
We are confident of all this because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. He has enabled us to be ministers of His new covenant. This is a covenant not of written laws, but of the Spirit. The old written covenant ends in death; but under the new covenant, the Spirit gives life.
2 Corinthians 3:4-6 NLT
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9&10 NLT
Parenting kids from #trauma can be hard, but there is #grace sufficient for parents of kids from hard places! #adoption #fostercare
I would be honored to pray with or for you if you are going through a season of struggle! After talking to my mom, she gently picked up my pile of books and as she walked out my front door with them, she told me I needed to spend some time praying - asking God what He wanted me to be doing. It was so simple, but profound - and precisely what I needed. I didn't need another 34,290 to-dos by various experts with differing views. I need heavenly wisdom from our heavenly Father who loves our children and who loves us.

If this has been helpful, you may want to check out the other posts from our Reminders for Foster & Adoptive Parents Series: 
To the Parents of Kids from Hard Places: You Are Not Alone
To the Parents of Kids with Attachment Issues: It's Not Your Fault

Do you have a favorite scripture or worship song that reminds you that His grace is sufficient for YOU? How do you daily embrace His grace for you and your family?
]]><![CDATA[to the parents of kids with attachment issues: it's not your fault.]]>Mon, 27 Aug 2018 15:55:00 GMThttp://www.livingout127.com/blog/to-the-parents-of-kids-with-attachment-issues-its-not-your-fault
Picture
Parents of children with attachment issues often need to hear this reminder: Your child's attachment issues are not a direct reflection of you, your parenting, or any type of lack or failure on your part.

hurting people hurt people.

As parents, we accept the beautiful, tremendous responsibility of taking care of our children. Often, we see our children mirror our own behaviors - both positive and negative. Pride comes easily when our child is excelling! Likewise, when our child is struggling, our default is often to place the blame on ourselves.

As parents of children with attachment issues, the every day struggle can leave us questioning and doubting our ability to parent. If we were blatantly honest, there are days we wonder if we are cut out for this at all --- days when we wonder if somehow we've done more harm than good.

The reality is, our children are hurting. We can know this, but struggle to remember that the hurt they are inflicting is not something we have caused, but rather a reflection of the brokenness of their heart. When we can recall the truth that hurting people hurt people, we can face these every day struggles with compassion instead of exasperation.

the struggle is real.

Our family spent the past two weeks on vacation. We had an incredible time visiting family that lives in another part of the country. Along the way, we explored new places, learned new things, and had an absolute blast.

During our trip, we also saw the effects of dysregulation - full throttle. For those new to the foster/adoption scene, dysregulation often occurs for kiddos from hard places when their schedules, routines, or surroundings change.

Our vacation, while full of fun memory-making opportunities, also meant we were away from home, meeting new people, eating different food, staying up later, and not abiding by a routine. We anticipated these things, and prepared as best we could, but still faced some behaviors and situations that left kids - and even mom - in tears.

We have been home for four days and are still working on getting kiddos (and dare I say, even mom!) regulated again. At a kids' event at our church this weekend, we had a signature attachment-related issue. Our kiddo was angry at mom because his choice had gotten him in trouble. He expressed his anger by throwing something at me. A nearby adult rushed up, scooped up the thrown item, and handed it to my son, reassuring him it was okay that he had 'dropped' it. Our son smiled brightly at the stranger, but once they walked away his finger dug into my arm and he glared at me, seething with anger. Another adult approached, asked why he was so upset and suggested I go get him a water ice to cheer him up.

This is the reality for kiddos who have lived with uncertainty. This is life with a child with attachment issues every day. They battle the ones closest to them because they are hurting inside - and because they are afraid of being hurt again.

the truth of God's promises.

As challenging and painful and exhausting as it can all be, we have the promise of a gracious, loving Savior Whose mercies are new every morning! We have the moment-by-moment opportunity to recall what the real root of these attachment issues is: pain. And when we identify the root cause, it frees us from the lie that we are to blame. It frees us from the condemnation that sucks our compassion dry. It frees us from the fear that we are failing our children. It frees us to pray for our children, to extend grace to them and to us, and to rest in the truth that Jesus is sufficient and His grace will carry each of us through.

The following passages offer promises from the Word of God. Three of them are taken from Romans 8, which is incredible in it's entirety! I have included shorter excerpts that have been powerful encouragement to my soul on days when I am weary and struggling to remember it is not all my fault.
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Isaiah 26:3 NLT
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.

Romans 8:1&2 NLT
And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:26-28 NLT
What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else?  Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.” No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:31-39 NLT
Parenting a child who has experienced #trauma and #grief resulting in #attachmentissues due to #fostercare or #adoption, can be challenging. But there is #hope in the #wordofGod!
Are you walking through a season of struggle with attachment issues? Have you found specific scriptures to be encouraging in this area? How do you combat the lie that you are responsible for your child's difficulty with attachment?
]]><![CDATA[to the parents of kids from hard places: you are not alone.]]>Fri, 03 Aug 2018 18:10:00 GMThttp://www.livingout127.com/blog/to-the-parents-of-kids-from-hard-places-you-are-not-alone
Picture
We cannot get in the midst of someone else's pain - really in the trench of grief with them - and not come out unscathed. Sometimes, the cost of ensuring our child knows they are not alone is feeling incredibly alone ourselves. It can be hard, but there is a truth greater than the facts we face every day: Jesus is with us, and He is for us. 

when it's hard.

My kid's been raging for two weeks, and I don't know how to help him.

The bright lights at the grocery store trigger melt downs.

I'm educating all the professionals in my child's life because they don't understand the long term effects of trauma on the brain.

The number of children, even at the sensory park, are too overwhelming for our daughter.

My child isn't invited to parties... and neither is our family anymore.

Every time I leave my son in the care of someone else - even for just an hour - it causes weeks of trauma behaviors.

We haven't been to church in 3 months because we don't know what to do with our daughter who can't go to children's church.

We grocery shop daily and have locks on all our cabinets because our child eats until he makes himself sick.

I sleep - really, I lay awake - on the couch so that I can hear if our daughter tries to sneak out at night.

We have installed video monitors inside our house to keep everyone safe.

I've lost... friends... family... finances... my job... my health... 

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. 

If you're in a hard place, chances are reading through this list has you nodding emphatically or weeping.

These can be the realities of loving children from hard places. Children that are hurting - who have been neglected, abused, and traumatized - often don't know how to process the things they've experienced. That pain and grief can come out in ways that are incomprehensible to most people. 

We can know the facts: hurting people hurt people; it's not us against our children, but us together against the pain; we have to look for the underlying need expressed through challenging behavior; trauma changes the brain; in utero exposure changes the brain; people push against those closest to them; these behaviors are survival techniques that helped our children survive unbelievable pain.

But we can also acknowledge the pain: our lives have changed, and saying 'yes' every day to being committed to loving our children requires the daily decision to continue saying yes. 

the promise.

“If you love me, keep my commands. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever --  the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.  I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

​John 14:15-18
Sometimes, facts and truth seem to oppose each other. And while we cannot ignore reality, we have the blessed ability to view reality through the lens of spiritual truth. It doesn't make everything easy, but it does provide grace that sustains.

fact:

  • Walking through trauma as a family can be isolating.

  • Advocating for the needs of our child can be overwhelming.

  • We do not always have the answers for our children's questions, or solutions to their struggles.

truth:

  • Jesus promised to come to us, and Holy Spirit lives in us.

  • We have an Advocate in Holy Spirit. He knows every need we, and our children, have.

  • Holy Spirit is the spirit of truth. We may not have all the answers, but we have the spirit of truth.

connecting with community.

Community is critical. But let's be real: sometimes, we just don't have it.

Whether a recent move, family dynamics, or the logistics of countless appointments keep you from connecting, there are seasons where the entirety of our energy is dedicated to fighting for our family. In these seasons, some of us are blessed to have compassionate people around us who understand trauma and the unique needs of foster and adoptive families. For the rest of us, our reality may not hold the connection of community.

There are lots of posts about finding your tribe. Most of them revolve around us reaching out and making those critical connections. But there is hope! Even if you're in a season of survival, and you don't have the time or energy to forge ahead into new relationships, this truth remains: You are not alone, because Jesus is with and for you.

more scriptures to combat loneliness.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ​
Isaiah 41:10
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:31-39
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ​
1 Peter 5:7
Many #foster and #adoptive parents struggle with #loneliness. Find #hope and #truth from the Word of #God for seasons of struggle. Part 1 in 10 Reminders for Foster and Adoptive Parents.
How do you deal with feelings of loneliness? Do you have a strong community of support? What would you recommend to others who are walking through a season of feeling alone? 

If you enjoyed this post, you may like to read Lies & Loneliness. 
]]><![CDATA[10 reminders for foster and adoptive parents.]]>Fri, 29 Jun 2018 21:32:48 GMThttp://www.livingout127.com/blog/10-reminders-for-foster-and-adoptive-parents
Picture
In the midst of challenges, sometimes it helps to be reminded of truth. Truth that compels us. Truth that challenges us. Truth that sustains us. Truth that empowers us.

Sometimes, as foster and adoptive parents, we need to be reminded of simple truths. Not because we don't know them, but because we've been immersed in loving our people, advocating for the needs of others, and working through grief, trauma, and loss with our precious kiddos. If you find yourself in need of refreshing, this one is for you.

10 reminders for foster and adoptive parents:

1) You are not alone.

2) Your kiddo's lack of attachment is not a direct reflection of you or your parenting or any type of lack or failure on your part.

3) Hurting people hurt people - including small hurting people who come into our lives in desperate need of big people to walk them through that hurt to healing.

4) Being a mom is hard. Being a trauma momma is really hard.

5) Give yourself grace.

6) Other people may not understand - they may not see when your kid rejects you - but God does, and He's right there with you as you're processing that hurt.

7) Don't harden your heart - that's the easy way out with this. God has the ability to write beautiful redemptive stories from tragic beginnings.

8) It's okay to be hurt, but take that hurt directly to our Heavenly Father, who adopted us and knows the pain of having His child ignore Him.

9) Adoption is spiritual warfare.

10) Reach out to trusted people to pray with and for you and your family.

the start of something new.

Over the next weeks, I will be sharing a post inspired by each of these reminders. Friends, in order for us to love well, we have to know first that we are loved. In order to live lives laid down with grace, we have to receive grace. In order to pour out, we need to be filled up.

It is my prayerful hope that this series will bring refreshing to the weary, hope to the hurting, and solidarity to those feeling alone.

If I can pray for you, please leave a comment or contact me through my contact page. I would be honored to pray with and for you!
10 critical reminders for #foster and #adoptive parents about the #grace of #God! Click through for 10 reminders, and information on a new series that will bring #hope and refreshing!
]]><![CDATA[processing pain, resisting rejection, giving grace: hope for hurting adoptive parents.]]>Thu, 07 Jun 2018 18:30:00 GMThttp://www.livingout127.com/blog/processing-pain-resisting-rejection-giving-grace-hope-for-hurting-adoptive-parents
Picture
1991
I trudged to the front of the group, my palms clammy and heart racing. The gym was overcrowded with sweaty kids, a typical 90’s summer day club. The promise of good times and trying new activities had become disillusioned for me quite early on. My quiet, slightly pudgy 7-year-old self had won the attention of the camp director. And since attention was neither appreciated nor desired, dread—not laughter—filled my summer days.
​
I wasn’t surprised I had been called to the front. Several weeks had conditioned me for what was going to happen as I approached the grown up holding the microphone.​
​“Boys and girls, you remember Naomi, don’t you? Isn’t she pretty?”

I didn’t want to hear what was coming. I didn’t want to be there. I just wanted to go home.

“Pretty UGLY!”, the camp director yelled as the gym went into an uproar of laughter.

I looked at the grey rubber gym floor on the way back to my spot, intently aware that every eye was on me as the laughing continued. Plopping down, I willed myself to disappear in to the crowd. Only 5 hours before I could go home. My safe place, where my mom and dad would have been outraged if I’d had the courage to tell them what was happening every single day. The joke was only a small portion of the repetitive, daily humiliation at the hands of the person in charge of protecting all of the children in the camp—my quiet, slightly pudgy 7-year-old self included.

2016
“I am failing. What kind of mom is so terrible that her kid HATES her??!” Tears ran down my cheeks as my husband looked at me, stunned.

“What are you talking about?” He asked quietly. “Why do you think he hates you?”

“You aren’t here all day! You don’t know! He yells and rages and throws things. He won’t speak to me, or even ask me for anything. He hates me.”

I didn’t know what we were experiencing was just the beginning of an attachment struggle for our son. What I did know was that the familiar sting of rejection had me retreating, and fast. My heart was torn to pieces by the daily break downs, and obvious preference our son had for my husband.

Rejection and Adoption
We had done extensive training before beginning the adoption process. I had read numerous books, blogs, and studies. I understood the consequences of trauma and separation for young children. I knew some of the techniques used to encourage bonding between child and parents. What I didn’t know was that trauma triggers trauma and unresolved issues in the heart of an adoptive parent can negatively impact attachment.

Adoptive parents who are doing their homework know that rejection is a major area of concern for our kiddos. But did you know that rejection of adoptive parents is also common? When children are finding their way through a new family, routine, and home it is normal for them to test boundaries and push people away. It’s the time directly following the honey-moon period (if you even get one of those), when your child doesn’t view you as the safe, loving, protective parent you are striving so hard to be. Instead, they view you as the enemy who has changed the world they know and everything in it.

When we take the time to look at adoption from a child’s perspective, it makes perfect sense. When you can be objective about the continuous testing and rejection, you can see it for what it is: a hurting child seeking to hurt the person closest to them. A child testing the strength of your will and resilience of your love. And when we are able to perceive these things, we can remain committed to hearing our child’s heart through their actions.

But for many—maybe even most—adoptive parents, this type of daily rejection is exhausting. I, personally, went through stages of emotions towards being rejected by my child. First, I was confused, I didn’t understand why my child was rejecting me. Next, I was sad. My heart ached to know my child wasn’t feeling any affection towards me whatsoever. Frustration came next—wondering what else I could possibly do to help our son. Finally, the overwhelm of exhaustion left me feeling defeated.
​
A life-long struggle with feeling rejected, unworthy, and like a failure had been blown up by the daily rejection I was experiencing at the hand of my child. Instead of remaining objective, I began to shut down emotionally in an attempt to protect myself from pain.
I am honored to have my post featured over on Michelle Madrid-Branch's site today! Michelle is an international adoptee and adoptive mom who advocates for all three parts of the adoption triad (adoptees, biological families, and adoptive families). To continue reading about the importance of processing pain, resisting rejection, and giving grace, head over to Michelle's site!
continue reading on michelle madrid-branch
The pain of #rejection in #adoption is real. In this post, we cover the importance of #adoptiveparents processing pain, resisting rejection, and giving #grace. Click through for #hope for hurting adoptive parents.
]]>